**pressure**

I love pressure. It drives me, it inspires, and it gives me direction. I don't mind handling pressure except for one- that is marriage. I am 25 years old and since last year, I have been tortured by my family on getting married. You see, I have never introduced my family to any man I went out with. I was just, in a way, making sure. I want them to be introduced to one and only one man, the man I am gonna marry. Unfortunately, this does not work for them. I think my mom even suspects me of being a lesbian!

One time, I slept on my parent's room. When I was waking up, I instantly saw my mother fixing the bed and asked, 'When will you ever give me grandchildren? Will I ever see my apo with you?' I just snorted and said 'Nay, ang aga nyan ah...'

Then there are times when my mom is with her amiga's and she will loudly confide with them saying, 'Hay naku, I've been asking her when will she ever get married!' The worst thing is, her amiga's all agrees! Darn!

I am yet to make my first million bucks. I want to travel overseas. I want to bunjee jump and wall climb. I want to to be a manager. I want to start a small business. I want to have a checking account. I want to go to Disneyland and see Mickey Mouse in person. I want to hit 120 lbs. at least. I want to buy my own car and learn to drive it. ..and so many more. I'm not through being single yet. I still have a thousand things in mind that I think I will not be able to do if I get into the wonderful world of marriage. I have enough pamangkins to make me feel needed as a guardian. See what I'm saying?

Maybe I need to introduce them to some guy just for the sake of making them shut up. But in a way, I know they are just concerned about me. My mom got married at my age and my older sister when she was 22. Now you see why the worry. But what can I do? Aside from the fact that I still want to accomplish a zillion things, I have not met Mr. Right. I guess my family will never understand. I guess I would just have to deal with it. Oh shish!

always on your side

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away But every now and then you come to mind Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game But when your name was called, you found a place to hide When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent But your demons and your angels reappeared Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be Too afraid to hear the words i always fear leaving you with only questions all these years

Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally This isn't how it's really meant to be No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear, How to pull it close and make it stay Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away And I'm left to carry on and wonder why Even through it all, I'm always on your side

mumblings

it's just sad you never gave me the chance to explain... i've got so many things to say... sad you just took your own judgment and you never clarified my point.. if you had, if only you had let me talk, you would never be this furious.. and i would never be in this state of pain.. you would have understood why i was forced to do it.. why i was forced to let you go..

...when it rains

When I was a little girl, I was always fascinated with rain. The process of it. There seems something so dramatic in the way it is made. Then when I grew up I was amazed when I learned the process of hydrogen and oxygen atoms falling together out of the sky, then breaking apart, separating and returning to the sky again to fall someplace else in the world. But it's always been that same number of atoms. They keep falling again and again from the beginning of time, finding each other for that one drop of rain, and then losing each other again. I remember that I used to wonder what that must be like. Always falling and splitting apart again. I wondered if those three particular atoms would ever find each other again in the same drop of rain. Maybe there's this whole drama being played out around us in every thunderstorm that we're never even aware of. Loves lost and found again, but for only that one moment, for that one single drop. They never get more time together than that. After realizing that, I never looked at the rain the same way again. Now, the rain has different meaning. Sadness overwhelms me when it rains…

oPiNiOnS

i don't believe customers should be charged a parking fee if they will be shopping on malls. they can show a freaking receipt just to prove they bought something for cryin' out loud.

i do believe in reincarnation. that we are given another chance to live to make up for the mistakes we've done...

i don't believe you should stay in a marriage if all you do is hurt each other. yes, you have to think of the children, but consider the trauma they are experiencing at the moment. it will hurt at first, but eventually, everybody will move on.

i believe all parents should take responsibility on the eating habits of their children. it shouldn't be too much nor too little. they will practice, whatever eating habit they have developed, for the rest of their lives.

i don't believe in racism and slavery. for me, everybody has the right to live their own life as long as they don't do harm on others.

i do believe in guardian angels... that there is one angel assigned to each of us. their main job is to whisper on our ears that God will always be there no matter what.

i believe that rainbows show up to remind us that life is always better after a storm.

i believe that a person has all the right in the world to cry after a breakup. but i don't believe it should be longer than two weeks. and after that, you deserve a makeover :)

i believe that love can be learned... that there is no heart hard enough that can resist a loving smile, a caring touch, and an honest intention.

i don't believe in courtship.. it's just a whole bunch o'crap. you'll get to know the good and loving side of a person then... but you know what? i heard a guy tell a girl: 'honey, love me now, and i'll court you forever...' hmmm... that maybe is one thing i can try to live with.. :)

022406

do you know i'm still missing you? do you know i still long for you? that i still hope to see your face and that smile on my door? i'm still longing for that one last embrace. you know that i like hugs right? i prefer hugs than kisses. i hope you can still remember.. i simply miss you.. big time..

020506

i'm at the office right now, and i'm the only TL on the floor. i'm eating lunch alone because I wanna be able to think.

you know what's funny? i found myself sniffing his shirt this morning. amazing guy. doesn't smell a bit. his shirt still smells like the fabric softener he used. God! does this man ever sweat?sayang un. if he only knows what he wants. and if he only knows how to focus. sayang.

he asked me out again yesterday. i didn't give in. he's drunk and i'm not. i thought i'd like to feel him on a sober mind next time. i can't believe he broke his promise never to do it again. but on one side, he looks good when he begs... :)

starting over

i'm starting to be ok now. i'm starting to think of him less and less everyday. i'm starting to listen to love songs again. i'm starting to reminisce on the good times we had, no matter how few they were it doesn't matter. i'm starting to feel better about myself. starting to think more about myself. i'm starting to pray more, sing more, work more. And I'm liking it.. I'm starting..

012106

little things make me cry lately. i don't know why. i used to be someone who'll cry the last. does it come with old age? but i'm just 24! stress maybe? oh that! yes, i've been under a lot of those lately. now i get it. that's the reason why i failed yesterday. i failed coz i cried. i can't believe it. after two sentences, i can feel blood rushing to my head. and he said, 'you're eyes.. they're red. u crying?' i am damn it! i'm such a crybaby...

and then what happened? i rushed out from his house, head bowed. he was still saying something i can't remember. i'll ty to settle this in a different way i guess. some other time. he said he'll drop by my place today. let's see what happens this time..

012006 big day

i don't know how to describe how i feel right now. in about a couple of hours, i'll break up with the man i've been with for more than a year. so this is how it feels. uneasy. i feel like i will need around 8 bottles of SanMig before this day ends.

i want to document this moment. right now, i can't breath right. i can't think right. but i want this day to be over. even if i know that by the end of this day, everything will be different. all of me...
damn..

i thought i'm the type of person who can write good. now i don't think i do... this short thing took me an hour and a half to compose. imagine that.